Sunday, 19 March 2006

spring ..
my 8 year old
offers me a cup of tea

8 comments:

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

I really like this one!

Aurora said...

So sweetly transcribed.:)

polona said...

so sweet!
thanks for visiting my blog.

Eric said...

:)

Trena said...

so refreshing! thank you

Little Onion said...

Hi Sangeet,

Isn't it great when the children bring tea? Especially the first time - walking with small careful steps so as not to spill their precious gift. Maybe you'll get toast too this coming Sunday!

On reading the haiku out aloud a couple of times I was wondering if 'offers me' might work well on the end of line two leaving 'a cup of tea' on line three - it provides a 'reveal'in the last line and for me works better beatwise too:

spring ..
my 8 year old offers me
a cup of tea

it works well as a one line haiku and that for me is the test for haiku - if you can write them out on one line with no punctuation and still find the cut its usually a winner!

Little Onion

sangeet said...

Thanks for your input little onion!
I like your suggestion. Both versions work for me.

In many ways, I didn't want to give anything away in the second line - hence the long third line :)

However rhythmically, your suggestion works well:

spring ..
my 8 year old offers me
a cup of tea

Thank you! :)

Sangeet

sangeet said...

Thanks vis-a`-vis!

Sangeet